In a stunning ruling, believed to be the first of its kind, the Canadian Human Rights Commission issued an order of extradition for Ohio attorney Jim Bates. The Commission ruled that, despite Attorney Bates protestations to the contrary, that Attorney Bates was subject to the jurisdiction of the Commission, and thus he must be returned to Canada to stand before a Canadian Human Rrights Tribunal and answer charges that his recent behavior constituted a “hate crime” under Canadian law. The charges stem from Attorney Bates cowardly behavior in running to the Ohio Supreme Court to seek protection for his “feelings”.
Attorney Bates claimed that the Canadian Human Rights Commission did not have jurisdiction over him as he was a naturalized American citizen. However, the Commission ruled that Attorney Bates “conversion” to American citizenship was not effective. The prosecutor for the Commission, Erma LaDouche, Q.C. adduced evidence that though Bates claimed to be an American, he was a Habs fan and regularly consumed Poutine and Canadian Bacon as well as Molson and Labatt’s. Bates ineffectively countered that he wasn’t really a committed Habs fan, being more of a “fair weather fan” Also, Bates claimed that though his frame indicated the consumption of Poutine and Canadian Bacon, the prosecutor failed to produce pictures of him actually consuming either product.
Upon the Commission issuing its ruling, a request was made to the United States Department of State for the extradition of Bates. Unfortunately, due to the recent near-shutdown of the U.S. Government, the request was apparently lost. It is rumored that the Royal Candian Mounted Police have sent a “rendition team” into the U.S. in secret to seize the scofflaw Bates and return him to the Great White North for justice.
UPDATE: As further proof of Mr. Bates’ Canadianness, the prosecution introduced evidence that Mr. Bates is president of the Robin Sparkles fan club.